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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.