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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic