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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?