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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.