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I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.