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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).