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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Jesus is coming.... look busy
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2