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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.