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I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.