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I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.