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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.