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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.