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Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...