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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.