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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!