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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative