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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.