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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Anything is legal when there`s no police around