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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.