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In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.