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“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Carfax but for people
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.