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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.