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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.