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Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.