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Will be drunk until further notice.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.