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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.