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The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...