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My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?