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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.