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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.