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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.