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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.