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It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I`m perfect you adjust.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.