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"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!