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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.