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Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Lol at birds that walk places.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..