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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.