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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.