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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.