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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.