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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.