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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.