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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.