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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."