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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I look so young for my rage.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it