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If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.