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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?