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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.