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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it