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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.