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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.