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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Don’t believe everything you think.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.