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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.