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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
People who think Iām not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
is available for rebound sex.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.