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Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.