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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.