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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.