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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks