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Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.