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I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)