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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.