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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.